Names for Blues Singers and other thoughts about Blues

MySpace, the time-wasting, but completely addictive network, has re-connected me a lot of old associates.

PSPOT, a concept originated by Brian Jenkins, is a rockin’ little MySpace page dedicated to 1960’s Garage and Psychedelic Rock that includes a cool scan of a 1979 CREEM article “That’s Cool, That’s Trash- A History of the First Punk Era” which covers a lot of LOUIE LOUIE history. There’s also a PSPOT MSN group, which includes a special LOUIE LOUIE webpage.

Hey, I recognize some of those autographs!

Anways, Brian got into a blues groove tangent in the past day or so, sending out MySpace bulletins about Memphis Minnie, Skip James, Lucille Bogan, and a bunch of blues stuff. Here’s a couple of things that I thought deserved some recycling….

Get Your “Blues Name” Here

From the first list, take the name using the initial of your first name.
From the second list, do the same with your middle name.
From the third, your surname.

First List
A= Fat; B=Muddy ; C=Crippled; D=Old; E=Texas; F=Hollerin’; G=Ugly; H=Brown; I=Happy; J=Boney; K=Curly; L=Pretty; M=Jailhouse; N=Peg Leg; O=Red; P=Sleepy; Q=Bald; R=Skinny; S=Blind; T=Big; U= Yella; V=Toothless; W=Screamin’; X=Fat Boy; Y=Washboard; Z=Steel-Eye

Second List
A=Bones; B=Money; C=Harp; D=Legs; E=Eyes; F=Lemon; G=Killer; H=Hips; I=Lips; J=Fingers; K=Boy; L=Liver; M=Gumbo; N=Foot;O=Mama; P=Back; Q=Duke; R=Dog; S=Bad Boy; T=Baby; U=Chicken; V=Pickles; W=Sugar; X=Cracker; Y=Tooth; Z=Smoke

Third List
A=Jackson; B=McGee; C=Hopkins; D=Dupree; E=Green; F=Brown; G=Jones; H=Rivers; I=Malone; J=Washington; K=Smith;L=Parker; M=Lee; N=Thompkins; O=King; P=Bradley; Q=Hawkins; R=Jefferson;S=Davis; T=Franklin; U=White; V=Jenkins; W=Bailey; X=Johnson;Y=Blue; Z=Allison

According to this list I am “Texas Dog Bradley.”

Then, there’s some random thoughts about blues…

Blues Thoughts

1. Most blues begin with: “Woke up this morning…”

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something really nasty in the next line, like “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”

3. The blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound.”

4. The blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch … ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevy’s, Fords, Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMW’s or sport utility vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the blues. In blues, adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man (or woman) in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii, The Hamptons, or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis and ‘Nawlins are still the best places to have the blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain, like Palm Springs, California.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg ’cause a alligator be chompin’ on it is.

9. You can’t have no blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the Dumpster.

10. Good places for the blues

a. Highway.
b. Jailhouse
c. Empty bed
d. Bottom of a whiskey glass.

11. Bad places for the blues

a. Nordstrom’s.
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions.
d. Golf courses.

12. No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old person and you slept in it last night.

13. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if:

a. You’re older than dirt.
b. You’re blind as a bat.
c. You shot a man (or woman) in Memphis.
d. You can’t be satisfied by no woman.

No, if:

a. You have all your teeth.
b. You were once blind but now can see.
c. The man (or woman) in Memphis lived.
d. You have a 401(k) or trust fund.

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could have. Poor ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin’ gives you unscented bleach, it’s the blues. Other acceptable blues beverages are:

a. Cheap wine. (like Muss-I-Tell [muscatel])
b. Bad whiskey (like “Tub Johnson’s Bottom Drawer”)
c. “White Lightnin’ ” (moonshine)
d. Muddy water.
e. Black coffee.

The following are NOT blues beverages:

a. Perrier.
b. Chardonnay.
c. Snapple.
d. Slim Fast.

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can’t have a blues death if you die from being overheated during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some blues names for women:

a. Sadie.
b. Big Mama.
c. Bessie.
d. Fat River Dumplin’.
e. Sapphire

18. Some blues names for men:

a. Joe.
b. Willie.
c. Little Willie.
d. Big Willie.
e. Blind Melon (or any other perishable fruit) Jackson (or other last name)

19. People with names like Michelle, Amber, Tiffany, Debbie and Heather can’t sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. No matter how tragic your life is, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period! Obviously, this means YOU. So have a happy day!